I had some Fun, Shhh…Don’t tell anyone…

What pricks you when your partner has had some personal and private fun?

After long, it’s one of those mornings when I sit to write not knowing what to write though. However, my husband and I happened to discuss our ages over breakfast in some conversation and realized we weren’t really young anymore but of course not old as well.

In the middle of typing these sentences, I just happened to have a little fun chat with a friend. I commented on his profile picture being quite nice and teased if it was meant to impress somebody in particular. He replied frivolously, “I wish it was so because the idea is quite appealing.” To which I agree that the proposition of finding or having someone interesting enough to impress is indeed exciting at any age and we aren’t really old for that.

This brings back another titbit exchange that I had with some other friend. It was around seven p.m. and he asked me if Abhishek was back home from office. My husband wasn’t and he is rarely back before that. My friend smirked with a grin, “But I think architects wrap up their work by 5.30.”   I gave him a knowing smile. He looked at the watch and raised his eyebrows, “It’s 7 now.” I completed the sentence, “That means he is having a good time somewhere. I am happy for the man.” I winked and we both laughed.  These were simply jesting and inconsequential banters that have no bearing on your lives. However, sometimes they help you understand your own thoughts better.

Returning home, my own words rang back to me, “That means he is having a good time somewhere. I am happy for the man.” That was a very spontaneous reply to a non-existent situation but which I really meant while saying. It suggests that a person indulges in some personal pleasure without the spouse being aware of it. But while seeking this happiness, he hasn’t altered his relationship equation with others in any way including with the spouse. The spouse is blissful in ignorance, because there is no reason or change in their personal lives to make them think or feel otherwise. In gist, the indulgent person is happy, the unaware spouse or partner is happy and everyone is happy.

However, the moment the other comes to know about it as an existing situation, the entire worldview changes. And it is this reversal in our mentality that struck me. Will I hold by my own same words if the situation comes up, I wondered. Will I still be able to say with the same calm, “I am happy for the man.”? I am not sure. And this self doubt makes me think deeper, that why does the mere knowledge of it really change our entire perspective. Because in truth nothing else has changed. You were never made to feel or felt unhappy, unwanted, uncared for even while your partner was indulging in his own good time. He took care of everything and everyone naturally without pretence while deciding to have some fun of his own. (I have used a single pronoun “he” only for the ease of reading. The entire context is equally applicable to men and women both)

So your hurt, anger and pain stems from what and by what? By the fact that he decided to have some enjoyment without your knowledge, that you weren’t privy to your spouse’s life? Or is it jealousy that he/she has been having some extra fun while you did not? Or is it insecurity that you aren’t the sole proprietor of him/her or is it inferiority that you are not enough to keep him/her happy? Or a feeling of being cheated that something transpired behind your back, though it didn’t really impact your life anyway. I think it would be a simmering upheaval of all of these, which almost snubs out your composure into cold ego-laced ashes. It is imperative to clarify here, that “a good time” has tens of interpretations as simple as grabbing a beer with a buddy or not-so-simple as a date with an attractive stranger or an acquaintance or a friend and maybe more than that but it certainly doesn’t include a clandestine full blown continual affair.

The eminent Gurcharan Das in his book, “Kama- The Riddle of Desire” couldn’t really solve the riddle in 500 and more pages, so what possible chance do I have? Yet the book was revelatory in a lot of ways. It touches upon the topic that a person has a duty towards his own happiness, “kama” meaning pleasure and pleasure unto himself, wherein he hasn’t made anyone unhappy. However, the news or information of his happiness becomes the bane of the partner’s happiness. I am writing here only for introspection and maybe an open discussion between mature adults.

Matters that seem resolvable through logic and rationale are sometimes very hard to deal emotionally. I am at an age, and so will some of you be, where we have lived the excitement of love, understand the responsibility of a committed relationship and are delivering the duties of various roles. Yet we are biological and hormonal individuals where certain things are done purely for personal pleasure and which undoubtedly release endorphins and serotonin, the happy hormones. And this goes for everyone whether we admit it or not.

There aren’t any conclusions to such riddles or write-ups. They are best left open ended for some personal thought or discussion. And of course I better leave it at that because I write neither for others to agree, nor for endorsing any ideas but for the fact that the thought occurred. However, it is indeed fascinating to see how our minds operate, and create havoc with knowledge in an otherwise perfectly ignorant blissful setting.

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